Many people have asked me how it’s going in Australia, how I like it here, what it’s like, etc. I never knew quite how to answer that – not until my flatmate handed me a piece of Extra gum.

You see, Extra is the brand of gum that I would usually get in the States. For years I would unwrap that long, shiny wrapper and delight in its minty, juicy goodness. But this piece of Extra gum was short and stout, wrapped in paper. It looked the way Orbit gum does in the U.S. And that’s when I realised. That’s when I knew what it’s like for me living in Australia.

I feel like I’m living in an alternate reality. An alternate reality where Extra gum is like Orbit, the steering wheel is on the right, and I’m melting in January. It’s like I’m living in an alternate dimension that I’m not supposed to recognise as alternate. The Matrix, perhaps. Especially after living here a few months, when everything seems perfectly normal until I think about it for a few moments. I’m driving on the left side of the road with circular signs telling me the speed limit. The Stop signs look the same, though, to throw me off the case. The toilets in homes are in rooms separate from the vanity and shower (half the time this seems like a great idea, the other half I kind of hate it). When my flatmates tell the dogs to go outside, holding the sliding door open for them, they say, “In. Go in. Go on.” The most common type of cheese here is called ‘Tasty.’ If you want to really get exciting, you could purchase some ‘Extra Tasty.’ (I’m one such thrill-seeker.)

I mean, I spent Christmas day in a bikini, went swimming in a lake, and had fantastic barbecued sausages for Christmas dinner. Everything is upside down. Fitting, I suppose, for living ‘down under.’ It’s left me feeling more like a fraud than ever. I’m walking through this world pretending everything isn’t standing on its head. Of course I knew Iced Coffee meant a scoop of ice cream would be in the coffee. Of course I knew that this particular bus always stops at each of its stops, so there’s no need to press the stop button. Of course I know what bitumen is. Of course I do, of course I did, yes, of course.

Clearly, I’m a bit exhausted. That kind of exhausted that doesn’t come from a good, hard day’s work when you lie down and feel a bit tingly from head to toe, and you take a deep breath and smile. Not the kind of exhausted after you’ve had a long day’s journey, and you fall into your own bed and disappear from the world. No, I’m the kind of exhausted that comes from being a bit empty. From pushing through and trying and trying and going to bed oddly dissatisfied.

Last week I went beach-hopping with one of my flatmates in the North Shore area of Sydney. At one beach, we were in the water and knocked back by a wave that was just too rough to be enjoyable. We had been driven far apart by that point, but after talking about it later we found that we had the same experience. We each decided after that wave that it was time to get out. But we couldn’t. When I made that decision, I turned and began swimming toward shore. If anything, I might have gone backwards, drawn into the next wave. Even when I could stand on my toes, I wasn’t strong enough to pull myself back out to the beach. It took us both about ten minutes after deciding to get out to actually get out. Just long enough to leave us breathless and a bit flustered.

I feel like I’m at that point in life right now. Much of it is due to my continued lack of employment. I’ve applied for probably a couple dozen jobs at this point. I’m trying to swim out to the beach. But nothing has come from it. I’m going nowhere. Perhaps when I do finally get to the beach, I will catch my breath, lie on the warm sand, and appreciate the hard work I did when I was going nowhere. “That burned some calories;” “That was some good character-building.” But at the moment I’m in the thick of it, separated from the people I know, praying it doesn’t get any worse, praying I don’t drown.

Luckily, I am starting to meet some people. I spent an afternoon and evening getting to know my dad’s cousin and her family (and learning a great deal about Australia). The beach-hopping was a great way to get to know my flatmate, and we both had a lovely time. I met some really sweet people at a church I went to, people who were around my age, who are studying law, who are applying for jobs, who could commiserate with me on how much applying for jobs absolutely sucks. One of the pastors told me he understands what a big move this is, how hard it can be; he said I can reach out to him or his wife any time, if I ever need anything. I think he even meant it.

A few weeks ago, I celebrated my birthday with my Aussie family. There’s nothing quite like having kiddos sing happy birthday to you and blowing out the candles on a delicious homemade cake.

I’m trying to practice gratefulness in my life. I am grateful for what I do have here. For my family, for having a supermarket right across the street, for pets giving me cuddles. One day, I hope I can sing out and believe the last bit of one of the most beautiful songs out there:

I believe I have inside of me
Everything that I need to live a bountiful life
And all the love alive in me
I’ll stand as tall as the tallest tree

And I’m thankful for every day that I’m given
Both the easy and hard ones I’m livin’
But most of all, I’m thankful for
Lovin’ who I really am

I’m beautiful
Yes, I’m beautiful
And I’m here

-“I’m Here,” The Color Purple

I’m confident that I won’t drown. Some day, I will make it to that shore and smile at the sun. In the mean time, I will just keep swimming through this topsy-turvy, upside-down life.